Hey, you know what sucks about weight-loss shakes, aside from “everything?” The fact that they only come in regular boring old flavors. You know, flavors that a human being might theoretically want to drink.
Seattle-based J&D’s Foods (seriously? Seattle? Really?) have just solved that problem by releasing weight-loss shakes in bacon and gravy flavors. J&D’s are apparently also the makers of bacon popcorn (with you so far), bacon salt (OK, sounds alright), baconnaise (weird, but I’m still with you), bacon deodorant (uhhhh), bacon sunscreen (what the hell?), bacon shaving cream (WAT), bacon-flavored lube (NO PLZ TO STAHP), and apparently other bacon-adjacent products (HOW ARE THERE MORE BACON-ADJACENT PRODUCTS). In a related story, I’m pretty sure J&D’s Foods is actively trolling me specifically at this point. If your products are so bacon-heavy that even I’M giving you side-eye, there is too much bacon in your product line, and before I took this job, I would never in a million years have imagined uttering those words.
Here’s the real kicker, though: the bacon shake isn’t even the one that I find the most horrifying, because there is a gravy-flavored weight-loss shake now. Gravy?! Fucking GRAVY?! Look, I love gravy, but if you’re actually drinking gravy in weight-loss shake form, you need to take a long, hard look at your life and the choices that have led you to this point. The word “gravy” should never have the verb “to drink” attached to it under any circumstances. I mean, it could be worse — the day that humanity invents and then mass-markets a lard-flavored weight-loss shake is the day I give up on our species — but I am very, very disappointed in you, Seattle. I know you’re still pissed about the Sonics, but trying to inflict this on us is not an appropriate coping mechanism.
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